You might be surprised to learn that I do not remember the last time I sat down and journaled. (Upon checking - it has been almost 2 months).
There was no specific reason - I had run out of pages in my journal, and despite the fact that I had another blank one ready to go, I just…didn’t want to.
Sometimes change happens on such a tiny, subconscious, pre-verbal level, that I don’t even realize it’s happening. It’s only now, after giving it some space, that I can begin to understand what’s going on.
The TLDR is - at some point, I was using journaling to phone-in my behavior change. I was writing down all of my fears, limiting beliefs, anxieties, etc. and giving myself loving kindness on the page. But the impact of that was limited to the duration of my writing session.
I still found myself in familiar thought loops, old frustrations, and not really noticing a big shift.
I’m not sure if it was one day, or multiple days, or a random whim - but I had the thought, “Okay, what if instead of writing this - I lived this instead? What if I don’t write anything down - but really committed to living whatever realization I know I’m about to have?”
That. Has Changed. Everything.
Not in a, my-life-is-drastically-different kind of way.
But in a woah-I-feel-so-much-better-on-a-consistent-basis kind of way.
(Oh, and, all of my debilitating back pain is gone?? More on that later but…coincidence???)
And what I’m concluding (at this moment in time, at least) is that there are so many ways that we can trick ourselves into “feeling well” by “performing well.” You know, like - “I go to therapy!” or “I do morning pages!” or “I go to yoga and meditate and repeat affirmations!” (I have done/still do all of these, by the way. There is no shade here.)
Please don’t get me wrong. These are all excellent tools. For some people - sticking to the same thing everyday or every week (journaling, meditating, etc.) REALLY works. I believe that it worked for me for a while, too.
But we are not all built the same. And - some of these practices have an expiration date that is tailor-made just for us. In a culture that loves to sell us “the morning routine that will change your life!” or “my 12-step program that will guarantee you success!” - I think it’s more important than ever to remember this.
For me - journaling became a box I was checking, rather than something that really moved the needle on my own growth. I’m not saying I’ll never do it again (I’m still a sucker for words, after all) - but I am allowing my practice to change.
And it feels thrilling.
It feels like I am really proving to myself that there are SO many roads to Rome.
It doesn’t matter what route I take - all that matters is that I get there.
The *there* is a state of internal being where I feel full of love for myself, and other people.
The *there* is that unmistakable sense of being myself. You know, the one that I was born with?
The *there* is, as Madelyn Moon calls it, “soft heart, strong spine.”
All because I let one of my favorite things in the world (!!!) go.
(All of this self-love nonsense has manifested in more selfies. Sorry not sorry :)
Sometimes our most prized possessions, practices, rituals - become safety blankets that have served their purpose. Letting them go can feel terrifying. Like a massive loss of our identity.
But the beautiful thing about that is - they become an opportunity to take on a new one. To show ourselves that we can ride without training wheels. That we can take ourselves to places we’ve never gone before.
I think this might be the way that we stay true to our truthiest selves. When we let ourselves really be who we are today. Find the thing that works right now. And not being afraid to question whether “old is gold” is still working. (Requires high levels of willingness to call BS on yourself — not for the faint of heart — I believe in you!!)
No matter what wellness practices you do or do not have - I hope you listen to your inner voice.
You know the one.
The well-est one.
I hope you follow it to all the ways you will become.